Ghost

Stuck forever in another dimension
Coddled in all her fear and apprehension
The time doesn't matter, the day, the year
Nothing's alive anyway and liberation isn't anywhere near
It's odd, it's puzzling, it's mind boggling, I'm baffled

Oh, I haven't forgotten
I've tried, I've tried
But I haven't forgotten
Its a part of me gone
Its a very short song
The unbearable anguish
It's gone
All that I once knew
It's gone
my mind and all its worth
what I never thought would go
went
I didn't think it possible
I had no idea
How was I supposed to know
That it would destroy me
Destroy? I laugh
Butchered and worse
Burned at the stake
My lively hood
All that I stood for
Why can't I die
Why won't I die

That's all I can say anymore, that's all I can say

I am soiled

Bittersweet Symphony

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down

This song is kind of like my old life. My old life would have been a bittersweet symphony. And in an alternate reality, it is going on and I am the old me, and it is a bittersweet symphony.

Oops

Well...I feel very stupid.
There was always something wrong with me
Now I realize it
I wish I wasn't like that
Like I had delusions of grandeur or something
Like I was so self centered
Like i was SO immature
:(
:(
I wish I could rewind and be the good person I know I was inside
I guess any "talent" I ever possessed needed to be squashed out before I could grow the fuck up
Ah shame
How accustomed I am to that feeling now


See, the problem was, My good qualities were MAGNIFICENT
and my bad ones were TERRIBLE.
So...I couldn't just have regular self esteem like everyone else.
I had to love and hate myself
it was a wild roller coaster.
Hate, love, despise, adore.
Arrogance, shame, cavalierness, meekness
Since I was literally every characteristic imaginable
the way I felt about myself ranged from deeply inadequate to egotistically superior.
Which one was worse?
The arrogance
All the "talent" had to be knocked out of me in order for that to go away
and it did. and I am humbled

What Just Happened?

I feel I have floated to this moment somehow. I feel I have no history, no future. Just stuck in a bubble. I don't have a history because I have become brand new. My history isn't mine because I'm a new breed. Was the old life with the old friend really me? Was it really me? Was it? Because I can't imagine the old me anymore. And now that I consider my crippled self to be capable of standing upright, I wonder....why I am I accepting this? Too scared to die. Because compared to before, I am blind, I am deaf. I am ill-equipped for having a purposeful or meaningful life. There is no meaning. My soul's been robbed. Yet, I float on.....because that's the only way I can move. Is to float.

(A year ago is unrecognizable to me)

There isn't even ONE good reason to stay alive. Whatever. It doesn't matter...nothing does. I am nullified forever.......

And even in my despair, I smile...
Why? Because I can't feel the whole amount of my despair, because if I did, I'd die.
I can't feel it...so I know I'm ok. But I still know it's wrong to smile.
Because I'm dead.