Fuck

Damn it. Damn it. I really cannot say those two words enough. I am fucked, therefore, my life is.

I miss high school. It feels weird as hell to not be in school. I miss being a fucken kid...

An Ugly Face

Once so pretty
Now a tarnished face
an ugly face
Once so bright and ready
Once an energetic face
an old and worn face
a once innocent face
My face has seen it all
Even death

Pap Smear Pusher

Yo hey dude... Man I am freaking out so severely. Did you hear what happened on the freeway? You didn't see the local news today? Oh it was beautiful. This old man driving in town from San Antonio...this old man about forty of fifty years old going about a hundred miles per hour down the freeway, waving a gun at people...laughing. Like doing fucken chicken squawks at people and showing them his gun and going like ahahahahahha, ahahahahaaha, hahahaha. Things like that-- People were freaked--they didn't know if he was just a lunatic with like a squirt gun or what. And then, check it out, the guy started firing. On the freeway randomly through his windows. He shot one bullet up at the roof of his car and it just ricocheted around and around inside with him for awhile. He was like out of his mind. Everybody tried to get off the freeway. Some chick who had a bullet lodged in her ponytail called the pigs in San Marcos and they had six or seven pig cars chasing him into the south side of town. he was still swinging the gun around and laughing....fucken laughing all the way. Finally his car spun out and slammed into the grassy knoll, you know the median. As soon as his car came to a halt, man, he just put the gun to his head and blammo! Offed himself, man, blew himself away right there...it's like, I don't know, he had enough...enough.

SLACKER;p

Something to be Thankful for

I've recently come to the realization that I should be thankful, and am thankful for the fact that even after all this destruction of myself, my body still remains intact. I may be missing parts of my mind, hell even parts of my soul, which sucks a great deal, but I know for a fact that if I had also lost a limb or some shit, that this process would be that much more difficult for me. And with my body still up and running, I can use it as a tool to connect to myself, i.e my mind and my soul. To use my body, with meditation and other physical endeavors, to make my mind and soul feel, even if it's just a little bit, more connected. To harmonize everything. To make it all run as a whole.

The human body isn't something I should ever take for granted. It is both powerful and the basis of the creation of anything external in the world. The female figure ain't nothing to fuck with either...symbolically seductive.

They can take away bits of my mind and soul, but they ain't gonna fuck with my body! I got that shit protected like it's my newborn baby! You better check yo'self befor you wreck yo'self motherfuckers!


Listening to Jane's Addiction.....reminds me of last year around this time...
:( sad AND :} meaningful

All her Favourite Fruit

I drive alone, home from work
And I always think of her
Late at night I call her
But I never say a word
And I can see her squeeze the phone between her chin and shoulder
And I can almost smell her breath faint with a sweet scent of decay
She serves him mashed potatoes
And she serves him peppered steak, with corn
Pulls her dress up over her head
Lets it fall to the floor
And does she ever whisper in his ear all her favorite fruit
And all the most exotic places they are cultivated
And I'd like to take her there, rather than this train
And if I weren't a civil servant, I'd have a place in the colonies
We'd play croquet behind white-washed walls and drink our tea at four
Within intervention's distance of the embassy
The midday air grows thicker with the heat
And drifts towards the line of trees
When negroes blink their eyes, they sink into siesta
And we are rotting like a fruit underneath a rusting roof
We dream our dreams and sing our songs of the fecundity
Of life and love
Of life and love
Of life and love

Shit man

I got really fucked up. I'm so confused with who I am now. Nothing makes sense.



She starts off with the intention of teaching herself how to be an adequate person to be with, gives up, and ends up teaching herself how to live alone.

Stupid people....making me feel stupid
I feel really ashamed

What happened to me? I had become so sure of myself before.
How foolish was I...........................................................
Now I feel like the biggest goddamn fool in the world.
A worthless piece of scum. I want to crawl into a cave and die.
I am a newborn child again, back to square one..
hell even lower than square one...
insecurities, blunders, mutilation...
I am crucifying myself with shame

I feel so much of it, that ANY pride or dignity I've EVER had vanishes from my memories

SUCH a fucken loser
Everything is SO fucked that if I were to feel the full-fledged fuckage-ness of it all I'd die on the spot. That's why I'm not dying or killing myself. I can't feel it all, I can't feel anything. As bad as it is, as much as my life is over, I'm not feeling it.

A Friend

A real friend....maybe I've never even had one....after all this time. While I sat and died, she simply watched. Expressionless, emotionless, uninterested, and aloof. Now, if the tables had been turned, and she was deep down in her grave as I, I would have given up my sanity to, not just hold her hand through it all, make it better for her, and I'd even go a step further to fixing it. I wouldn't accept that it was impossible, I'd fix it for her. I would want to. It wouldn't be an obligation or a standard I have to follow. I'd become selfless for her. I didn't want her to give up her time, or anything or really do anything. I just wanted her to acknowledge that something, something horrendously dire was going on. Just some acknowledgment. And to just utterly abandon me, it wouldn't be half as bad if I was ok, but I wasn't. I was legitimately dying. I was being ripped apart piece by piece before her very eyes. I was crucified. I was murdered. And I got no response. I'm NOT saying I'm a saint at all, and I know she cared... we just have two VERY different ways of showing it.

Maybe it was miss-communication. Maybe something was misunderstood. Whatever it was, though, will probably never be worked out. I'm worn out with this. It's done.
She did care. ----- But, no bystander would be able to tell.

The animosity, it's still there, I always felt as if you didn't care
The animosity, it ain't gone, I now realize you done me wrong

A FEW DAYS LATER:
I'm not mad anymore
I really miss her and our talks.
We figured out the world with our talks.

It's like the language that I spoke was completely erased from my memory and I'm not re-learning that one, I'm re-learning a NEW one.
It's like half of the information I had inside here completely left

I don't know anything

I have no explanation for anything.
It's like I have amnesia.
It's like I had a lobotomy.
It's heart wrenching pain and confusion
confusion due to pain and pain due to confusion
Fragments of myself
My brain has been chopped into pieces
and some of the pieces have been discarded
Bits and pieces are all that's left of my puzzle
I cry
I die
I sit
I lie
My soul, my soul, my soul is decomposing
My soul, my soul, my soul is decaying

9/18/10

I don't have common sense because I'm not a common person. I have weird sense.

9/17/10

I'm SO stupid.

9/14/10

I cried cause you were doomed

9/12/10

I'll give you something to live for, have ya, grab ya, TILL YOUR SORE!
Today I'm depressed.
And anxiety ridden
All misery runs wild and free

Fuck this shit

Fuck this......FUCK this shit

The Light. What Light?

I am standing in the piss, always knew it'd come to this...

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I am pissed off. Why, out of one in a million chances did what happen to me happen to me? Nothing is fucking with me. There is no alive power. Statistics and science hate me. That's what hates me. But...but what pisses me off all the more is that in all my misery, all I want is more misery. I am in misery in wishing that my misery would multiply itself. I want desolation. And that's what I was before, a big ball of desolation. Now I'm desolate to know that I'm not as much of a desolate person? Quite frankly, that just... don't make no sense. But I suppose, what I really want is my old soul back, the soul that stretched far. The soul that screamed, not whispered. I not only want more misery, I want more happiness, I want more of everything. Every emotion. I want everything to be heightened from this point as it was before. More life. A more moving and meaningful experience on this earth. Not a robotic regime.

Only when you stumble upon the realization that there is, indeed, no light...
have you begun to finally and actually see the light.

The dead girl

Oh, what has happened?

what has occurred?
Oh I thought I'd be never-ending
Of it I was oh so sure
What a blunder in judgment
What a mistake on my part
What a blow to my brain
What a pain to my heart
My soul in all it's intricacy
My soul in all it's depth
My soul in all it's complexity
My sick soul is dwindling in health
My sick soul is reaching for herself
I yearn for the discomfort
I yearn for the pain
I yearn for the hours on end of anxiety
I yearn for the feeling of infinite inadequacy
I yearn for the wishing
I yearn for all the dreams
I yearn for the imagination
I yearn for the feeling of being insane
I loved the malcontent's journey
I loved my failure time in and time again
I love anything but now
The life is stripped away
No pain, no joy, no apathy
No love, no hate, no shame
No nothing, nothing no
Goodbye old world
Hello strange new breed
And, Land Ho!

You and Whose Army?

What the fuck is the point of this...this existence? Doesn't feel like there's any point at all.

God

"Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." -
-- Chapman Cohen

"Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burned, tortured, fined, and imprisoned, yet we have not advanced one inch toward uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half of the world fools and the other half hypocrites." Notes on Virginia

"Religions are all alike - founded upon fables and mythologies." Unknown

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality. – George Bernard Shaw

Faith means not wanting to know what is true. – Friedrich Nietzsche

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. – Frank Lloyd Wright

We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes. – Gene Roddenberry

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows. – Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. – Seneca the Younger

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. – Anonymous

With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. – Steven Weinberg

Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer. – Anonymous

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. – Richard Dawkins

Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence. – Anonymous

Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s? – Friedrich Nietzsche

History teaches us that no other cause has brought more death than the word of god. – Giulian Buzila

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. – George Carlin

We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further. – Richard Dawkins

Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? – Douglas Adams

Today’s religion will be the future’s mythology. Both believed at one time by many; but proved wrong by the clever. – Steven Crocker

Religions are like pills, which must be swallowed whole without chewing. – Anonymous

I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious ideas of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God. So far as religion of the day is concerned, it is a damned fake… Religion is all bunk. – Thomas Edison

I can't believe my eyes...everyone really is THAT stupid

"Coolness"

Being "cool" isn't worth shit and doesn't exist on a factual level because it has to do with what you do. Any REAL defining statement of character should regard who you are, not what you do. Not only do I not want to be cool, I don't even believe it exists simply because I don't believe in the superficial. Superficiality is just too trivial to have any validity on not only emotional levels but factual ones as well.

Took and bullet to the brain and I'm still fucken standin'

Maybe I lost myself, but having physical and mental evidence pertaining to that self proves that that now absent self really did exist. The evidence also brings comfort.

I remember Emily saying something like "My whole self was half connie"
That was true for me too. But I'm not dealing with that loss the same way that she is. She never completely lost herself. I feel like a new breed, so I'm not feeling as if half of me was Emily and that half of me is gone. I just feel completely confused and dreamy. I'm a new entity now so I'm not feeling the loss like she is. I'm missing her but in the sense that I'm missing myself and knowing that with myself comes compatibility and comradeship with her. So you could say I'm missing myself more than I'm missing her, but that statement is also false, because Connie herself, is included with Emily. She lost me, I lost myself which in turn made me lose her.

I miss her incredibly, but when I think about my friendship with her, I begin to miss myself more prominently than I miss her, but only because if I had myself back, I'd have her back. I miss myself more prominently than her because myself is part Emily. I lost her, but the bigger picture is that I lost myself, which includes her. Myself comes with Emily. Myself which includes Emily is not there anymore.

But, the worst part about losing myself wasn't losing myself, It was losing my best friend.

Adult (?) / Alone Time

--The world is open for interpretation and is nothing without it.

Suddenly, I don't feel like a teenager or even a young adult. I feel like I'm in my thirties. Or at least I feel that that's the way I act. And its all of a sudden too. A couple months ago I felt like a teenager. And I'm still am one. Well, I'm an "adult" but I'm still in my teens...

I just have nothing in common with anyone my age...more like nothing in common with anyone of any age. I'm just a free agent. It's not that I'm that different. Because I'm not very unique anymore. It's just that I'm....still not the same as anybody else. In what way? I don't know. I just don't feel like I can relate to anyone. And I feel stuck inside myself because I really don't have anyone in the world that I talk to that knows my deepest self anymore. Nobody. So nobody knows me anymore. I don't even know me. But, in a sad way...I sort of enjoy and like it. I dunno why. I like seclusion. Maybe because seclusion is the safest route to go. But there's also something about my persona that is adept to isolation and can withstand it easily.

I just NEED lots and lots and lots of time to myself, and I always have. Always. I mean after two full days together with people I begin to rot. My everyday functions begin to unravel in complete dissaray because I become so high strung. See, I cannot function without solving every philosophical/internal puzzle inside of me. I need time to think critically about things. And if you're surrounded with people, you really can't do that. I think I need more time to myself than anybody else I know.

Beyond the Rhelm of Knowing

"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid."
---Marcus Aurelius


I like this quote