How sardonic I am. I sneer at anything easy. Everyone else's life is so goddamn easy. But I don't hate them. They didn't do anything wrong.
This is how I know I am an introvert: In my attempt of being an extrovert, I freak people out and am perceived as obnoxious. I couldn't be an extrovert if I tried. Especially with people I don't know, I'm extremely shy at first. Extroverts aren't, they greet everyone with ease.
There was always something disgustingly cavalier/immature/audacious about my persona. It was always there. Too ripe and sour, and defiant. And I had terrible, terrible judgment. I couldn't think before I said or did sometimes....but only in trivial situations. I think I did have ADD in that sense. Just a benign case of it though. When I took the medicine, though it went away. I was softened. That's why it improved my self esteem, I didn't feel like I was wretched anymore. I felt another side of myself. Quiet, calm, meek, deeply, deeply introverted...hell....even sweet. I feel bad that Emily didn't really see that soft side of me much. It was there...I swear. Emily saw me at my worst. I didn't mean the things I said or did. But that doesn't justify anything.
I was comfortable enough with her that I felt I could say or do anything I wanted. Well... some of the things I said and did were morally putrid, immature, and inconsiderate. But, I knew not. My mind hadn't developed yet. You see, right before I lost it and went into the looney bin, I was on the verge of a complete 180 on my personality. I was on the verge of evolving GREATLY. Right before I "died" (as I call it), I had begun and was following through with a very strict set of ethics. I WAS maturing. Enough to the point where I wouldn't laugh at things like I did so inappropriately as I did in the past. I wouldn't mock anyone (even though I never meant it, I still used to do it) as I did in the past. I had tightly woven in my brain what was right, what was wrong, what was just, and what was unjust. I'd say my logic on those things was very accurate. Then again I stubbornly usually think I'm right. None the less, I had theories and examples to back all of my moral logic up. And, this is important: In my heart, I've ALWAYS wished to be good and pure. No matter what I've said or done.
Here is some of Connie's philosophy on life: Any man who has ANY regard for any human being at all, who cares about anyone, even if it's just one person is a good man. Now even though some men only care about one person and scorn the rest, it is OK, because their minds cannot fathom and comprehend love for the human race. It's OK because they don't know how to have compassion. And that's not their fault. Any man who purely wants to be good (not to make others think they are good) is good. They may fuck up incessantly ethically, but if they want to be good, they are good. Because that means they care. The reason why I think
that the whole of the human race is good (see section 7), is because of this: Every man is made with a specific mind. That mind can only do what it was scientifically equipped to do. And if it can't comprehend morals on a high philosophical level, that's OK. They can't comprehend it. If somebody's brain is unable comprehend something and fucks up, how is that their fault? It's not. They can't help it. That's like punishing a dog for not knowing his ABC's. Mind you this isn't a very good comparison, If I would have said the dog bites another dog and doesn't know its wrong, it'd be better. Think of how ridiculous it'd be to punish your dog or think lowly of it because it bit another dog. Nobody does that because we know dogs cannot by any stretch of the imagination fathom that biting another dog is wrong.....hell...we don't even consider it wrong at all because their animals...THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER. Well ladies and gentleman....more often than not, HUMANS DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER. So why must we be punished? Our transgressions should be excused. We "bite"(do them wrong) our fellow neighbors constantly or do other morally wrong things without even knowing it. Sin doesn't exist. It's all scientific. We do what we do because biologically, it's what we are programmed to do. We are stupid. Yes we are. We do wrong things, but we can prevent it as much as we can prevent developing the flu or a cold. Punishing anyone/anything for something that they cannot help, that is physically impossible for them to help is ludicrous. Logically, it is.
Damn, I can be really logical. Logical in a very blunt way. In a very raw way. In a way that breaks down the subject matter to the core. The statement prior to this sentence that is bolded is a statement only Emily Held could understand. She would agree. Anyway, this is why theologists are dumb as hell. "Oh...we're all going to hell because we're evil lusting, glutenous, greedy, prideful, envious creatures" Um...no were not. The key here is this: Nothing that DOES NOT want to be evil is evil. Logically, that's true. Nothing that desires to be good is evil. Humans do not want to be evil. And that's why we all came up with all this damned religion in the first place. Because we FUCKING ALL WANT and desire to be good.
"A man who wishes to be good, therefore is. The wish in itself to "be good" is a good and pure desire. Any man who has a good and pure desire, whether it be the basis of it all, which is wanting to be good, or simply wanting to do a good deed, is good." ---Constance Anne MarieNo one is "evil" evil only exists in our imaginations. Not even sociopaths are evil, they are merely...stupid. They are not able to fathom the concept of morals. When I said earlier that
the whole of the human race is good, (see section 5) I meant man that can comprehend goodness is good...which is most men. Those who cannot comprehend are neither good or bad...they are amoral. They just kind of...don't count. Sorry dudes. The smartest men hold the highest regard to their ethics. That's just the way it is. Man (whether their IQ is 50 or 150) is
programmed to have morals...stemming from their chosen (more like born into) religion. The smarter and more aware you that are, the better you are at mastering the concepts. You can perceive morals on a higher level.
On a typical IQ test, I get average Joe results. They should have a test for moral intelligence. I'd pass with flying colors ;p. But, moral intelligence isn't the kind you gloat about, like people who are "intelligent" tend to do. If you are morally intelligent, you are humble in the sense that you do not count yourself better than others who may not understand. You cherish and accept everyone, because everyone is perfect in the sense that they are genetically made to be exactly how they are.
Other things people need to get through their heads: Being a christian, or involved in any other religion, has absolutely nothing to do with being good. Hell, most Christians I know (this may be bias and stereotypical), ESPECIALLY the old ones sneer at and poo poo anyone else who isn't. Now....is that "good?" Now remember as I said earlier...they can't comprehend things so it isn't their fault. They are not bad, they are merely stupid. But...that's OK. Once again, they cannot help their stupidity. Being good has to do with what you feel in your heart, and what you do...not what category of religion you are in. Now, since most people cannot comprehend this, the only way they can proclaim they are good is to be a devoted Christian or Muslim, or whatever. It's as if, the label gives them security and proof that they are good when it really shouldn't. But whatever. So while everyone gives me shit (Well, they would if they knew I wasn't a Christian, but...shhhh...we'll keep them in the dark so they don't loose their heads) about being some "terrible corrupt hooligan" because I'm agnostic, I sit here and laugh. Laugh my patoodie off. Cause I know I'm good and pure, more good and pure than they could ever be. Hell, I've got the same viewpoint as Jesus Christ himself. (NOT to brag but...) Recognize this?
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. (Luke 23:34).Sounds familiar right? Seems to sum up
my whole lesson here. See, I'm good, and I don't even have to label myself as a(n) (insert religion here) to be. This reminds me of my old poem I wrote about two years ago.
Here it is:
The Plague of America: IgnoranceIgnorance is a disease
The inability to comprehend, so then choosing not to see
Sheltering and sheilding their eyes from the unknown
Crouching in their boxes of obliviousness, and infesting themselves with lies
Thinking their soul is alive..
Thinking their bodies are free...
Did you know?
I AM FREE.I AM GOOD.I AM PURE.
I do not flee from persecution, I face it without so much as a blink
I do not flock with the others led blindly by one
I do not believe their truths..
For they are not real. They are incapable of existence.
They are mere facades, covering a subconscious that lies inside.
They know they are not saved, they know they are not above, but submerged below..
They are fools, ignorant frauds..
They cannot withstand or overcome the pattern. They give in.
They conform themselves one by one. The domino effect..
In my opinion they are committing the crimes...not me.
Kind of a simplified and expressive version of my moral logic. But, since I wrote this, I have evolved. Like I said before, I do not blame the people for being ignorant. In this poem I kinda bashed on all of those people. Now I know they don't know any better.
The one thing that they have that I don't though...... the reassurance that their souls are saved. I wish I had that. I wish I was stupid and simple so that I could believe that. It hasn't really hit me that I'm going to die soon. I can't focus on it. I don't know how to. I suppose I'll only be able to when I am extremely close. I am a ghost of myself.
