You know, how does she think of me as such a mean character? I've said so many lovely things to her. Encouraged her. Sincerely. Genuinely. She knows I was genuine. I've treated her lovely. Have I not?? I don't remember. I guess harsh and hard nosed. But she didn't know that I was ONLY harsh and hard-nosed to the people I loved the most. Only harsh and hard-nosed to the people I was pushing to succeed, because I knew she could.

Just a young soul, burned out forever. I never thought I'd die this young. Maybe i was only meant to be a young soul. Maybe i wasn't meant to live any longer. My misfortune is great. I feel despair festering inside of the pit of my stomach. Anguish from the tip of my head to the end of my toes. I am destroyed. Why? Why? Why did my soul leave me, why was my spirit taken away? It's not fair. But it's a little too late for the whole "woe is me" trick. Yet, in fact, I've never really sulked in my misery. I mean I never really felt bad for myself..I don't think. All I've done is try and survive...like this. But it's like I'm paralyzed. forever. My soul is terminally ill. My death may have to be induced by me, but that's because it isn't possible for me to live like this. I have to do it. I have to muster up the courage. I can't live this pathetic life anymore. I am dead. Why not die?

As Kurt Cobain wrote in his suicide note, it is better to burn out than to fade away. I agree with him.

The end

"The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark--why not kill myself? Missed the bus--better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie--maybe I shouldn't kill myself."
-- Susanna Kaysen


I need to end this ongoing 6 or 7 month debate. It's getting exhausting. Emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I should hate the world...but that'd be too tiring

Connie: You KNOW you'll NEVER be whole again. Why are you copping out on putting an end to it? There is no hope, and you know it. You are standing in the piss, always known it'd come to this. What is the sense in living? There SERIOUSLY is none. And I'm NOT even being illogical in saying this. I'm not some stupid dumbass teenager caught up in drama and kills themselves without thinking it through. I have a serious and terminal problem. I am being forced to kill myself. Yeah it's grim and morbid but it's the truth. There's NOTHING that could help me. Unless miracles exist.

It is a known fact that I'm not exactly the most predictable person. That being said, though, don't worry because there's one thing you can ALWAYS count on me for being, and that's consistently inconsistent. :p

Mind, body, and soul is disturbed

Free Agent

I don't follow, neither do I lead. Advice I do heed, and now and then I do a good deed But I don't follow and I don't lead. Neuroticism is in my genes, and of all crackpot ideas I am the seed, but I don't follow and I don't lead, everyday is a dream.

What the fuck are you doing, Lisa?



I'm pIaying the viIIain,
Iike you want.



I give you everything you want.
No, you don't.



You wanted your fiIe?
I got it!



You wanted out, I got you out!
You needed money, I found you some!



I toId you the truth!
I didn't write it in a book!



I toId you to your face!



I toId Daisy what everybody knew and
wouIdn't say, and she kiIIed herseIf.



I pIayed the fucking viIIain.



Just Iike you wanted.



Why wouId I want that?



Because it makes you
the good guy, sweet pea.



You come back here, aII sweetness
and Iight and sad and contrite...



...and everybody wrings their hands,
congratuIating you on your bravery.



MeanwhiIe, I'm bIowing guys at the
bus station for money!



Stop it, Lisa. She's too...



Shut up, PoIIy!



Where are you going?



I'm taIking to you!



Where are you going?
I'm taIking to you!



You don't Iike me anymore?



No, I don't!



Because you're free?



You think you're free?



I'm free!



You don't know what freedom is!



I'm free!



I can breathe! And you...



...you'II go choke on your
average fucking mediocre Iife!



There are too many buttons
in the worId.



Too many buttons,
and they're just...



There's way too many,
begging to be pressed.



They're just begging to be pressed!



You know, they're just
begging to be pressed.



And it makes me wonder.



It makes me fucking wonder.
Why doesn't anybody ever press mine?



Why am I so negIected?



Why doesn't anybody reach in
and rip out the truth...



...and teII me
that I'm a fucking whore...



...and that my parents
wish I were dead?



Because you're dead aIready, Lisa!



No one cares if you die, Lisa...



...because you're dead aIready.



Your heart is coId!



That's why you keep
coming back here.



You're not free.



You need this pIace.
You need it to feeI aIive.



It's pathetic.

Yeah, I'm the villain. That's the role I play. Because I was the dominant one. So I became the villain. But she didn't see, she didn't know I was soft and I was sensitive and I was meek and I was warm and kind. She didn't know I was sentimental. But I was. She didn't know a lot of sides of me. But is it my fault she didn't see? I guess. But I believe that if she was the dominant one she would have become the villain, and I believe she wanted to be that a lot. So why blame someone for being something you want to be yourself? Was she jealous? Because there's a difference between hating someone because your jealous and hating them because they actually did something to you. I think it's a mixture of both, envy and taking offense to the things I did. I was harsh, I was brutally honest, I was severe. I was wrong. And I feel bad. Sometimes I'd just get too carried away. But I was a whole hell of a lot more than a stubborn hothead......Too bad that's all I showed her.

All the same. I'm sorry. As sorry as I could ever be.

Ghost

Stuck forever in another dimension
Coddled in all her fear and apprehension
The time doesn't matter, the day, the year
Nothing's alive anyway and liberation isn't anywhere near
It's odd, it's puzzling, it's mind boggling, I'm baffled

Oh, I haven't forgotten
I've tried, I've tried
But I haven't forgotten
Its a part of me gone
Its a very short song
The unbearable anguish
It's gone
All that I once knew
It's gone
my mind and all its worth
what I never thought would go
went
I didn't think it possible
I had no idea
How was I supposed to know
That it would destroy me
Destroy? I laugh
Butchered and worse
Burned at the stake
My lively hood
All that I stood for
Why can't I die
Why won't I die

That's all I can say anymore, that's all I can say

I am soiled

Bittersweet Symphony

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down

This song is kind of like my old life. My old life would have been a bittersweet symphony. And in an alternate reality, it is going on and I am the old me, and it is a bittersweet symphony.

Oops

Well...I feel very stupid.
There was always something wrong with me
Now I realize it
I wish I wasn't like that
Like I had delusions of grandeur or something
Like I was so self centered
Like i was SO immature
:(
:(
I wish I could rewind and be the good person I know I was inside
I guess any "talent" I ever possessed needed to be squashed out before I could grow the fuck up
Ah shame
How accustomed I am to that feeling now


See, the problem was, My good qualities were MAGNIFICENT
and my bad ones were TERRIBLE.
So...I couldn't just have regular self esteem like everyone else.
I had to love and hate myself
it was a wild roller coaster.
Hate, love, despise, adore.
Arrogance, shame, cavalierness, meekness
Since I was literally every characteristic imaginable
the way I felt about myself ranged from deeply inadequate to egotistically superior.
Which one was worse?
The arrogance
All the "talent" had to be knocked out of me in order for that to go away
and it did. and I am humbled

What Just Happened?

I feel I have floated to this moment somehow. I feel I have no history, no future. Just stuck in a bubble. I don't have a history because I have become brand new. My history isn't mine because I'm a new breed. Was the old life with the old friend really me? Was it really me? Was it? Because I can't imagine the old me anymore. And now that I consider my crippled self to be capable of standing upright, I wonder....why I am I accepting this? Too scared to die. Because compared to before, I am blind, I am deaf. I am ill-equipped for having a purposeful or meaningful life. There is no meaning. My soul's been robbed. Yet, I float on.....because that's the only way I can move. Is to float.

(A year ago is unrecognizable to me)

There isn't even ONE good reason to stay alive. Whatever. It doesn't matter...nothing does. I am nullified forever.......

And even in my despair, I smile...
Why? Because I can't feel the whole amount of my despair, because if I did, I'd die.
I can't feel it...so I know I'm ok. But I still know it's wrong to smile.
Because I'm dead.

Fuck

Damn it. Damn it. I really cannot say those two words enough. I am fucked, therefore, my life is.

I miss high school. It feels weird as hell to not be in school. I miss being a fucken kid...

An Ugly Face

Once so pretty
Now a tarnished face
an ugly face
Once so bright and ready
Once an energetic face
an old and worn face
a once innocent face
My face has seen it all
Even death

Pap Smear Pusher

Yo hey dude... Man I am freaking out so severely. Did you hear what happened on the freeway? You didn't see the local news today? Oh it was beautiful. This old man driving in town from San Antonio...this old man about forty of fifty years old going about a hundred miles per hour down the freeway, waving a gun at people...laughing. Like doing fucken chicken squawks at people and showing them his gun and going like ahahahahahha, ahahahahaaha, hahahaha. Things like that-- People were freaked--they didn't know if he was just a lunatic with like a squirt gun or what. And then, check it out, the guy started firing. On the freeway randomly through his windows. He shot one bullet up at the roof of his car and it just ricocheted around and around inside with him for awhile. He was like out of his mind. Everybody tried to get off the freeway. Some chick who had a bullet lodged in her ponytail called the pigs in San Marcos and they had six or seven pig cars chasing him into the south side of town. he was still swinging the gun around and laughing....fucken laughing all the way. Finally his car spun out and slammed into the grassy knoll, you know the median. As soon as his car came to a halt, man, he just put the gun to his head and blammo! Offed himself, man, blew himself away right there...it's like, I don't know, he had enough...enough.

SLACKER;p

Something to be Thankful for

I've recently come to the realization that I should be thankful, and am thankful for the fact that even after all this destruction of myself, my body still remains intact. I may be missing parts of my mind, hell even parts of my soul, which sucks a great deal, but I know for a fact that if I had also lost a limb or some shit, that this process would be that much more difficult for me. And with my body still up and running, I can use it as a tool to connect to myself, i.e my mind and my soul. To use my body, with meditation and other physical endeavors, to make my mind and soul feel, even if it's just a little bit, more connected. To harmonize everything. To make it all run as a whole.

The human body isn't something I should ever take for granted. It is both powerful and the basis of the creation of anything external in the world. The female figure ain't nothing to fuck with either...symbolically seductive.

They can take away bits of my mind and soul, but they ain't gonna fuck with my body! I got that shit protected like it's my newborn baby! You better check yo'self befor you wreck yo'self motherfuckers!


Listening to Jane's Addiction.....reminds me of last year around this time...
:( sad AND :} meaningful

All her Favourite Fruit

I drive alone, home from work
And I always think of her
Late at night I call her
But I never say a word
And I can see her squeeze the phone between her chin and shoulder
And I can almost smell her breath faint with a sweet scent of decay
She serves him mashed potatoes
And she serves him peppered steak, with corn
Pulls her dress up over her head
Lets it fall to the floor
And does she ever whisper in his ear all her favorite fruit
And all the most exotic places they are cultivated
And I'd like to take her there, rather than this train
And if I weren't a civil servant, I'd have a place in the colonies
We'd play croquet behind white-washed walls and drink our tea at four
Within intervention's distance of the embassy
The midday air grows thicker with the heat
And drifts towards the line of trees
When negroes blink their eyes, they sink into siesta
And we are rotting like a fruit underneath a rusting roof
We dream our dreams and sing our songs of the fecundity
Of life and love
Of life and love
Of life and love

Shit man

I got really fucked up. I'm so confused with who I am now. Nothing makes sense.



She starts off with the intention of teaching herself how to be an adequate person to be with, gives up, and ends up teaching herself how to live alone.

Stupid people....making me feel stupid
I feel really ashamed

What happened to me? I had become so sure of myself before.
How foolish was I...........................................................
Now I feel like the biggest goddamn fool in the world.
A worthless piece of scum. I want to crawl into a cave and die.
I am a newborn child again, back to square one..
hell even lower than square one...
insecurities, blunders, mutilation...
I am crucifying myself with shame

I feel so much of it, that ANY pride or dignity I've EVER had vanishes from my memories

SUCH a fucken loser
Everything is SO fucked that if I were to feel the full-fledged fuckage-ness of it all I'd die on the spot. That's why I'm not dying or killing myself. I can't feel it all, I can't feel anything. As bad as it is, as much as my life is over, I'm not feeling it.

A Friend

A real friend....maybe I've never even had one....after all this time. While I sat and died, she simply watched. Expressionless, emotionless, uninterested, and aloof. Now, if the tables had been turned, and she was deep down in her grave as I, I would have given up my sanity to, not just hold her hand through it all, make it better for her, and I'd even go a step further to fixing it. I wouldn't accept that it was impossible, I'd fix it for her. I would want to. It wouldn't be an obligation or a standard I have to follow. I'd become selfless for her. I didn't want her to give up her time, or anything or really do anything. I just wanted her to acknowledge that something, something horrendously dire was going on. Just some acknowledgment. And to just utterly abandon me, it wouldn't be half as bad if I was ok, but I wasn't. I was legitimately dying. I was being ripped apart piece by piece before her very eyes. I was crucified. I was murdered. And I got no response. I'm NOT saying I'm a saint at all, and I know she cared... we just have two VERY different ways of showing it.

Maybe it was miss-communication. Maybe something was misunderstood. Whatever it was, though, will probably never be worked out. I'm worn out with this. It's done.
She did care. ----- But, no bystander would be able to tell.

The animosity, it's still there, I always felt as if you didn't care
The animosity, it ain't gone, I now realize you done me wrong

A FEW DAYS LATER:
I'm not mad anymore
I really miss her and our talks.
We figured out the world with our talks.

It's like the language that I spoke was completely erased from my memory and I'm not re-learning that one, I'm re-learning a NEW one.
It's like half of the information I had inside here completely left

I don't know anything

I have no explanation for anything.
It's like I have amnesia.
It's like I had a lobotomy.
It's heart wrenching pain and confusion
confusion due to pain and pain due to confusion
Fragments of myself
My brain has been chopped into pieces
and some of the pieces have been discarded
Bits and pieces are all that's left of my puzzle
I cry
I die
I sit
I lie
My soul, my soul, my soul is decomposing
My soul, my soul, my soul is decaying

9/18/10

I don't have common sense because I'm not a common person. I have weird sense.

9/17/10

I'm SO stupid.

9/14/10

I cried cause you were doomed

9/12/10

I'll give you something to live for, have ya, grab ya, TILL YOUR SORE!
Today I'm depressed.
And anxiety ridden
All misery runs wild and free

Fuck this shit

Fuck this......FUCK this shit

The Light. What Light?

I am standing in the piss, always knew it'd come to this...

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I am pissed off. Why, out of one in a million chances did what happen to me happen to me? Nothing is fucking with me. There is no alive power. Statistics and science hate me. That's what hates me. But...but what pisses me off all the more is that in all my misery, all I want is more misery. I am in misery in wishing that my misery would multiply itself. I want desolation. And that's what I was before, a big ball of desolation. Now I'm desolate to know that I'm not as much of a desolate person? Quite frankly, that just... don't make no sense. But I suppose, what I really want is my old soul back, the soul that stretched far. The soul that screamed, not whispered. I not only want more misery, I want more happiness, I want more of everything. Every emotion. I want everything to be heightened from this point as it was before. More life. A more moving and meaningful experience on this earth. Not a robotic regime.

Only when you stumble upon the realization that there is, indeed, no light...
have you begun to finally and actually see the light.

The dead girl

Oh, what has happened?

what has occurred?
Oh I thought I'd be never-ending
Of it I was oh so sure
What a blunder in judgment
What a mistake on my part
What a blow to my brain
What a pain to my heart
My soul in all it's intricacy
My soul in all it's depth
My soul in all it's complexity
My sick soul is dwindling in health
My sick soul is reaching for herself
I yearn for the discomfort
I yearn for the pain
I yearn for the hours on end of anxiety
I yearn for the feeling of infinite inadequacy
I yearn for the wishing
I yearn for all the dreams
I yearn for the imagination
I yearn for the feeling of being insane
I loved the malcontent's journey
I loved my failure time in and time again
I love anything but now
The life is stripped away
No pain, no joy, no apathy
No love, no hate, no shame
No nothing, nothing no
Goodbye old world
Hello strange new breed
And, Land Ho!

You and Whose Army?

What the fuck is the point of this...this existence? Doesn't feel like there's any point at all.

God

"Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." -
-- Chapman Cohen

"Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burned, tortured, fined, and imprisoned, yet we have not advanced one inch toward uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half of the world fools and the other half hypocrites." Notes on Virginia

"Religions are all alike - founded upon fables and mythologies." Unknown

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality. – George Bernard Shaw

Faith means not wanting to know what is true. – Friedrich Nietzsche

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. – Frank Lloyd Wright

We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes. – Gene Roddenberry

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows. – Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. – Seneca the Younger

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. – Anonymous

With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. – Steven Weinberg

Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer. – Anonymous

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully. – Richard Dawkins

Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence. – Anonymous

Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s? – Friedrich Nietzsche

History teaches us that no other cause has brought more death than the word of god. – Giulian Buzila

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. – George Carlin

We are all atheists about most of the gods that societies have ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further. – Richard Dawkins

Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? – Douglas Adams

Today’s religion will be the future’s mythology. Both believed at one time by many; but proved wrong by the clever. – Steven Crocker

Religions are like pills, which must be swallowed whole without chewing. – Anonymous

I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious ideas of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God. So far as religion of the day is concerned, it is a damned fake… Religion is all bunk. – Thomas Edison

I can't believe my eyes...everyone really is THAT stupid

"Coolness"

Being "cool" isn't worth shit and doesn't exist on a factual level because it has to do with what you do. Any REAL defining statement of character should regard who you are, not what you do. Not only do I not want to be cool, I don't even believe it exists simply because I don't believe in the superficial. Superficiality is just too trivial to have any validity on not only emotional levels but factual ones as well.

Took and bullet to the brain and I'm still fucken standin'

Maybe I lost myself, but having physical and mental evidence pertaining to that self proves that that now absent self really did exist. The evidence also brings comfort.

I remember Emily saying something like "My whole self was half connie"
That was true for me too. But I'm not dealing with that loss the same way that she is. She never completely lost herself. I feel like a new breed, so I'm not feeling as if half of me was Emily and that half of me is gone. I just feel completely confused and dreamy. I'm a new entity now so I'm not feeling the loss like she is. I'm missing her but in the sense that I'm missing myself and knowing that with myself comes compatibility and comradeship with her. So you could say I'm missing myself more than I'm missing her, but that statement is also false, because Connie herself, is included with Emily. She lost me, I lost myself which in turn made me lose her.

I miss her incredibly, but when I think about my friendship with her, I begin to miss myself more prominently than I miss her, but only because if I had myself back, I'd have her back. I miss myself more prominently than her because myself is part Emily. I lost her, but the bigger picture is that I lost myself, which includes her. Myself comes with Emily. Myself which includes Emily is not there anymore.

But, the worst part about losing myself wasn't losing myself, It was losing my best friend.

Adult (?) / Alone Time

--The world is open for interpretation and is nothing without it.

Suddenly, I don't feel like a teenager or even a young adult. I feel like I'm in my thirties. Or at least I feel that that's the way I act. And its all of a sudden too. A couple months ago I felt like a teenager. And I'm still am one. Well, I'm an "adult" but I'm still in my teens...

I just have nothing in common with anyone my age...more like nothing in common with anyone of any age. I'm just a free agent. It's not that I'm that different. Because I'm not very unique anymore. It's just that I'm....still not the same as anybody else. In what way? I don't know. I just don't feel like I can relate to anyone. And I feel stuck inside myself because I really don't have anyone in the world that I talk to that knows my deepest self anymore. Nobody. So nobody knows me anymore. I don't even know me. But, in a sad way...I sort of enjoy and like it. I dunno why. I like seclusion. Maybe because seclusion is the safest route to go. But there's also something about my persona that is adept to isolation and can withstand it easily.

I just NEED lots and lots and lots of time to myself, and I always have. Always. I mean after two full days together with people I begin to rot. My everyday functions begin to unravel in complete dissaray because I become so high strung. See, I cannot function without solving every philosophical/internal puzzle inside of me. I need time to think critically about things. And if you're surrounded with people, you really can't do that. I think I need more time to myself than anybody else I know.

Beyond the Rhelm of Knowing

"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid."
---Marcus Aurelius


I like this quote

Smashing Pumpkins

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want?
I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son, yeah.
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was the only son for you

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a-
Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son for you


And I still believe that I cannot be saved

I Remembered

I just had a thought that reminded me of the original me. I keep forgetting the original me. When I remembered, I watched old videos of myself and remembered more. Then I was sad. It's not just the fact that all my abilities are gone. It's way more than that. There's also this homesick and homeless feeling. That feeling is the worst. And there are other feelings that feel horrible that I just can't even describe. It's like everything I once knew, and everything I once knew to be true isn't anymore. Like I've become a newborn child. Like half of me just left. I can't access half of myself. And it's scary, uncomfortable, and heartbreaking.


It's going to take years to learn how to function like this. I'm not going to get over it until the day I die.

Death

Dark and grim nature clouds my mind always
It lingers, it lurks, it pesters
It won't go away, it stays

These Aren't Crocodile Tears

All of the love in the world couldn't save me. And I know I have love. There are people who love and care about me. I wish that could be enough. But it's more complicated than that. And I can't even reciprocate the love others give me. I'm a stone. A rock. I'm not there. I'm mangled in a slimy gutter. I'm drowning 10,000 leagues under the sea. I'm caught on fire and my skin is deteriorating. I'm in the lowest pit of despair. I'm withering away in hell. I'm exhausted forever. I'm weak and frail. My mind yearns for myself. Myself is not there.



If I had myself I'd be going on adventures. I'd be in college. Meeting new people. I would. I wish there was life in me. Nothing I do is ever going to being me enjoyment. And that's a problem.


There is infinite amounts of wonderment in the world. If you can't see the wonderment though, it might as well not exist. ----I can't see it

First

This is one of the first days in a number of weeks that I haven't felt it imperative to kill myself. I felt obligated. Like it was my duty because I was ruined. I don't know if I want this day to be a first of many because I don't want to let myself accept myself easily.

ANYTIME I find myself scuffling for words, and drawing blanks, I feel I almost should die. I can't live with nothing in my head.

A scream became a whisper

Well, it can't get any worse than this. I've been plateaued at the "worst state I could ever be in" for quite come time. So, I can take it. I'm immunized to loneliness. It doesn't do anything to me. I could almost live on a planet by myself for the rest of my life. I dunno why I'm so withdrawn. I just like being a loner hermit. Also because I can't imagine that there would be any group of people that I could relate to. That's why I'm a free agent with no entourage. I only need one good friend. That I have. We don't talk much anymore, and I miss that, but we both have an unspoken agreement of loyalty. So I'm OK.

My real problem though is the fact that nothing is memorable to me. Nothing is significant or meaningful enough to be memorable. And that's because I'm in a trance. I'm asleep all the time. I want to wake up and feel. REALLY feel like I used to. In order for any event/ situation that you participate in to be memorable, you need meaning. In order for any event/situation that you participate in to be meaningful, you need your mind to be wide awake. The formula for an awake mind? Wish I knew.

I've become so serious. I used to be able to turn on the jester from time to time. Now I'm just boring and have no sense of humor. I used to be a scream. I am now a whisper.

;;;;;;;;

"You're not a victim of anything unless you make yourself"....says the nun. That's not true in my situation. Sorry. I'm not making myself anything. I didn't choose to die. I didn't want my soul to go away. It's just the way it is. I don't even think I complain that much. I am torn. I don't want to break peoples hearts or let people down, but I can NOT exist this way. I'm just too....deflated. Sometimes, I feel OK. But when I remember who I was....my heart sinks all the way down to my toes.


Life, without passion, curiosity, and meaning can't be defined as a life at all.
I have to find it, or die.

I am going insane

The anxiety is driving me insane. I don't want a job. I know I have to kill myself. Not because of the job. Because of the dead reasons. There are a lot of anxiety situations coming up for me. Do I kill myself before I get to those situations I am scared of or do I wait for them to happen so that I go insane from the anxiety and am more driven to die? I just want to curl up and die. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk what do I do? These days have been SUCH bitches.

Shit

I can't keep lying to myself. I HAVE to die. And soon
Read it and weep

To Kill a Mockingbird

We killed a Mockingbird when we accused and ridiculed Michael Jackson. The problem is, people couldn't fathom his personality. He was a dreamy individualist with a large imagination. More often than not, the majority disproves of the minority. Why? Because the minority is different, And that difference gives it a mysterious and unknown allure. Which leads to distrust. The public was confused with and unaccustomed to his eccentricity. They couldn't fathom that he was serious, with everything he did and said, and they couldn't understand how anyone could be the way he was because they had never seen it before. He was an easy, easy ready made target. And the terrible thing is that the guy had an innocent little lamb disposition. He wouldn't hurt a fly...literally. Look at the thanks we gave him. To be accused for doing something so disgustingly putrid when you would, in actuality kill yourself before undertaking in that action has the be the most awful, degrading feeling in the world. He was shamed, scorned, disgraced and humiliated. We crucified him. He should have hated the whole of humanity afterward. But, he had only compassion in his heart. What a man.

A misunderstood, introspective visionary.

A Wilted Orchid

Once a unique, fiery flower

now a quiet breed
Once open, now shut tight
Petals frayed and discolored
Once upright, now wilted
All the dew dried up
Once bright and gleaming
Now dull and faded
Her posture falters

Once confident, now shamed
Her self worth non-existent
Once beautiful, now dusty
Her elegance hidden
Once hopeful, now in despair
Her heart aches and cries
Once alive, Now deceased
She's as numb as a rock

Once a dreamer, now a pessimist
Her imagination gone in the wind
Once an intellectual, now a vacant mind
Her brain is malnourished
Once curious like a child, now indifferent
Nothing is interesting

Once creative to a tee, now is black and white

Her canvas is blank
Once a sharp wit, now can't find any words
An ex-sesquipedalian
Once precocious now sluggish
The fire has faded away


She reaps her sorrows silently

LET ME IN!

I feel myself still. In a very subtle way. Like, I'm behind the surface, or behind a door screaming and banging on it to let me in. Deep inside, I still feel the core of who I was. I have the same subconscious as I did before, I'm just less aware of what it is telling me to do. I want to feel my full fledged self in all its complexity. I want it to scream out of my pores. I want to know that I am the same. That I haven't died. That Connie still exists.

I Wonder;

I wonder what I would have done with my life if this hadn't happened to me. I know I wanted to do a shit load of stuff. And I know I could have. I had a lot to offer.....now I ain't got shit. Well, whether I changed the world or became a reclusive hermit (which I very well may have done), one thing is for sure, my life would have never been boring. It would have been a hard life though, and in the state that I'm in I'm NOT complaining at all, because a hard life would have been heaven compared to no life at all which is what my life has now come to.

My Demise

It was that GODDAMN CURSED marijuana. That's what started the "alienation from myself" wheel a turnin'

Connie's Logic

How sardonic I am. I sneer at anything easy. Everyone else's life is so goddamn easy. But I don't hate them. They didn't do anything wrong.

This is how I know I am an introvert: In my attempt of being an extrovert, I freak people out and am perceived as obnoxious. I couldn't be an extrovert if I tried. Especially with people I don't know, I'm extremely shy at first. Extroverts aren't, they greet everyone with ease.

There was always something disgustingly cavalier/immature/audacious about my persona. It was always there. Too ripe and sour, and defiant. And I had terrible, terrible judgment. I couldn't think before I said or did sometimes....but only in trivial situations. I think I did have ADD in that sense. Just a benign case of it though. When I took the medicine, though it went away. I was softened. That's why it improved my self esteem, I didn't feel like I was wretched anymore. I felt another side of myself. Quiet, calm, meek, deeply, deeply introverted...hell....even sweet. I feel bad that Emily didn't really see that soft side of me much. It was there...I swear. Emily saw me at my worst. I didn't mean the things I said or did. But that doesn't justify anything.

I was comfortable enough with her that I felt I could say or do anything I wanted. Well... some of the things I said and did were morally putrid, immature, and inconsiderate. But, I knew not. My mind hadn't developed yet. You see, right before I lost it and went into the looney bin, I was on the verge of a complete 180 on my personality. I was on the verge of evolving GREATLY. Right before I "died" (as I call it), I had begun and was following through with a very strict set of ethics. I WAS maturing. Enough to the point where I wouldn't laugh at things like I did so inappropriately as I did in the past. I wouldn't mock anyone (even though I never meant it, I still used to do it) as I did in the past. I had tightly woven in my brain what was right, what was wrong, what was just, and what was unjust. I'd say my logic on those things was very accurate. Then again I stubbornly usually think I'm right. None the less, I had theories and examples to back all of my moral logic up. And, this is important: In my heart, I've ALWAYS wished to be good and pure. No matter what I've said or done.

Here is some of Connie's philosophy on life: Any man who has ANY regard for any human being at all, who cares about anyone, even if it's just one person is a good man. Now even though some men only care about one person and scorn the rest, it is OK, because their minds cannot fathom and comprehend love for the human race. It's OK because they don't know how to have compassion. And that's not their fault. Any man who purely wants to be good (not to make others think they are good) is good. They may fuck up incessantly ethically, but if they want to be good, they are good. Because that means they care. The reason why I think that the whole of the human race is good (see section 7), is because of this: Every man is made with a specific mind. That mind can only do what it was scientifically equipped to do. And if it can't comprehend morals on a high philosophical level, that's OK. They can't comprehend it. If somebody's brain is unable comprehend something and fucks up, how is that their fault? It's not. They can't help it. That's like punishing a dog for not knowing his ABC's. Mind you this isn't a very good comparison, If I would have said the dog bites another dog and doesn't know its wrong, it'd be better. Think of how ridiculous it'd be to punish your dog or think lowly of it because it bit another dog. Nobody does that because we know dogs cannot by any stretch of the imagination fathom that biting another dog is wrong.....hell...we don't even consider it wrong at all because their animals...THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER. Well ladies and gentleman....more often than not, HUMANS DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER. So why must we be punished? Our transgressions should be excused. We "bite"(do them wrong) our fellow neighbors constantly or do other morally wrong things without even knowing it. Sin doesn't exist. It's all scientific. We do what we do because biologically, it's what we are programmed to do. We are stupid. Yes we are. We do wrong things, but we can prevent it as much as we can prevent developing the flu or a cold. Punishing anyone/anything for something that they cannot help, that is physically impossible for them to help is ludicrous. Logically, it is. Damn, I can be really logical. Logical in a very blunt way. In a very raw way. In a way that breaks down the subject matter to the core. The statement prior to this sentence that is bolded is a statement only Emily Held could understand. She would agree. Anyway, this is why theologists are dumb as hell. "Oh...we're all going to hell because we're evil lusting, glutenous, greedy, prideful, envious creatures" Um...no were not. The key here is this: Nothing that DOES NOT want to be evil is evil. Logically, that's true. Nothing that desires to be good is evil. Humans do not want to be evil. And that's why we all came up with all this damned religion in the first place. Because we FUCKING ALL WANT and desire to be good.

"A man who wishes to be good, therefore is. The wish in itself to "be good" is a good and pure desire. Any man who has a good and pure desire, whether it be the basis of it all, which is wanting to be good, or simply wanting to do a good deed, is good." ---Constance Anne Marie

No one is "evil" evil only exists in our imaginations. Not even sociopaths are evil, they are merely...stupid. They are not able to fathom the concept of morals. When I said earlier that the whole of the human race is good, (see section 5) I meant man that can comprehend goodness is good...which is most men. Those who cannot comprehend are neither good or bad...they are amoral. They just kind of...don't count. Sorry dudes. The smartest men hold the highest regard to their ethics. That's just the way it is. Man (whether their IQ is 50 or 150) is programmed to have morals...stemming from their chosen (more like born into) religion. The smarter and more aware you that are, the better you are at mastering the concepts. You can perceive morals on a higher level.

On a typical IQ test, I get average Joe results. They should have a test for moral intelligence. I'd pass with flying colors ;p. But, moral intelligence isn't the kind you gloat about, like people who are "intelligent" tend to do. If you are morally intelligent, you are humble in the sense that you do not count yourself better than others who may not understand. You cherish and accept everyone, because everyone is perfect in the sense that they are genetically made to be exactly how they are.

Other things people need to get through their heads: Being a christian, or involved in any other religion, has absolutely nothing to do with being good. Hell, most Christians I know (this may be bias and stereotypical), ESPECIALLY the old ones sneer at and poo poo anyone else who isn't. Now....is that "good?" Now remember as I said earlier...they can't comprehend things so it isn't their fault. They are not bad, they are merely stupid. But...that's OK. Once again, they cannot help their stupidity. Being good has to do with what you feel in your heart, and what you do...not what category of religion you are in. Now, since most people cannot comprehend this, the only way they can proclaim they are good is to be a devoted Christian or Muslim, or whatever. It's as if, the label gives them security and proof that they are good when it really shouldn't. But whatever. So while everyone gives me shit (Well, they would if they knew I wasn't a Christian, but...shhhh...we'll keep them in the dark so they don't loose their heads) about being some "terrible corrupt hooligan" because I'm agnostic, I sit here and laugh. Laugh my patoodie off. Cause I know I'm good and pure, more good and pure than they could ever be. Hell, I've got the same viewpoint as Jesus Christ himself. (NOT to brag but...) Recognize this?
Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. (Luke 23:34).
Sounds familiar right? Seems to sum up my whole lesson here. See, I'm good, and I don't even have to label myself as a(n) (insert religion here) to be. This reminds me of my old poem I wrote about two years ago.

Here it is:
The Plague of America: Ignorance
Ignorance is a disease
The inability to comprehend, so then choosing not to see
Sheltering and sheilding their eyes from the unknown
Crouching in their boxes of obliviousness, and infesting themselves with lies
Thinking their soul is alive..
Thinking their bodies are free...
Did you know?
I AM FREE.I AM GOOD.I AM PURE.
I do not flee from persecution, I face it without so much as a blink
I do not flock with the others led blindly by one
I do not believe their truths..
For they are not real. They are incapable of existence.
They are mere facades, covering a subconscious that lies inside.
They know they are not saved, they know they are not above, but submerged below..
They are fools, ignorant frauds..
They cannot withstand or overcome the pattern. They give in.
They conform themselves one by one. The domino effect..
In my opinion they are committing the crimes...not me.


Kind of a simplified and expressive version of my moral logic. But, since I wrote this, I have evolved. Like I said before, I do not blame the people for being ignorant. In this poem I kinda bashed on all of those people. Now I know they don't know any better.

The one thing that they have that I don't though...... the reassurance that their souls are saved. I wish I had that. I wish I was stupid and simple so that I could believe that. It hasn't really hit me that I'm going to die soon. I can't focus on it. I don't know how to. I suppose I'll only be able to when I am extremely close. I am a ghost of myself.

If Only...

I could wile away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain

I'd unravel any riddle
For any individ'le
In trouble or in pain


With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain


Oh, I would tell you why
The ocean's near the shore
I could think of things I never thunk before
And then I'd sit and think some more

I would not be just a nuffin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain
I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain
:'(

I'm sick

Everyday I know I need to die. For I'm already dead. I know I need to. I have to. I'm obligated to.


REDRUM

A Better Understanding

Today, after many endless ponderings in my pursuit of figuring out the absolute definition of just what has happened to me, and my character, I eventually came up with this: I am a broad and vague overview of myself (or my old self). I am Connie without all the paradoxical and intricate details. How does this make me feel? Coming up with the definition, I was in logical mode. I haven't really thought about it all that much on an emotional level. What I will say is this, I am bitterly despondent to know that my skills in writing have decreased substantially. Writing brings me joy beyond imagination. Writing let me use my imagination. I can't really expand on things, because my mind just isn't capable anymore of delving into rich detail and diving deep into my soul. I'm just...simple...as hell.

I am DEAD.

A shadow and an echo of myself. I can't feel like I could. I miss it like a mother misses their deceased child. Apathetic, desolate, despondent..........................DEAD DEAD DEAD. What can I do? Can ANYTHING or ANYONE resurrect me? Please. I want to breathe again. I've been smothered and suffocated. Please? Any outside force, any higher power?? Is there anything? I'd do just about anything to breathe again. My bones are showing...

My Bones are Showing

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun

I really could use a fix. I wonder what that fix could be. Nothing will ever be capable of bringing me pleasure until my brain isn't all jacked up. My fix needs to be that. But it can't, because it won't. Something else needs to happen to my brain...to reverse it...but nothing will. Maybe my fix could be imagining myself back to normal again. Nahh, that doesn't work that just increases my level of despair. Remembering how I was is a punch in the stomach, a bang on the head, a sting from a bee, a bite from a dog. Remembering how I was buries me. I dig my own grave when I think about how I was. To loose ALL my wisdom. To loose ALL my creativity. Both of those entities combined together simultaneously created my character. But I am stripped of all of that. My bones are showing....

Crawling on my hands and knees, the scum of ALL humanity

So, I'm kind of....fucked for life. Don't know what to do and haven't for the past 4/5 months. Somehow, I'm still alive. Miraculously. I mean the hell I've been through should have killed me alone, I'm not even referring to the suicidal thoughts I've been having for the past couple of months. Anything animated in me has run short. All the life in me has been smuggled away ravenously. By what? I don't believe in the devil. Gotta blame it on science. Fuck you science...I was an avid follower of you all through school. You intrigued and sustained me. I knew you were too good to be true. In the end, you horse jacked me.