You know, how does she think of me as such a mean character? I've said so many lovely things to her. Encouraged her. Sincerely. Genuinely. She knows I was genuine. I've treated her lovely. Have I not?? I don't remember. I guess harsh and hard nosed. But she didn't know that I was ONLY harsh and hard-nosed to the people I loved the most. Only harsh and hard-nosed to the people I was pushing to succeed, because I knew she could.

Just a young soul, burned out forever. I never thought I'd die this young. Maybe i was only meant to be a young soul. Maybe i wasn't meant to live any longer. My misfortune is great. I feel despair festering inside of the pit of my stomach. Anguish from the tip of my head to the end of my toes. I am destroyed. Why? Why? Why did my soul leave me, why was my spirit taken away? It's not fair. But it's a little too late for the whole "woe is me" trick. Yet, in fact, I've never really sulked in my misery. I mean I never really felt bad for myself..I don't think. All I've done is try and survive...like this. But it's like I'm paralyzed. forever. My soul is terminally ill. My death may have to be induced by me, but that's because it isn't possible for me to live like this. I have to do it. I have to muster up the courage. I can't live this pathetic life anymore. I am dead. Why not die?

As Kurt Cobain wrote in his suicide note, it is better to burn out than to fade away. I agree with him.

The end

"The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark--why not kill myself? Missed the bus--better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie--maybe I shouldn't kill myself."
-- Susanna Kaysen


I need to end this ongoing 6 or 7 month debate. It's getting exhausting. Emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I should hate the world...but that'd be too tiring

Connie: You KNOW you'll NEVER be whole again. Why are you copping out on putting an end to it? There is no hope, and you know it. You are standing in the piss, always known it'd come to this. What is the sense in living? There SERIOUSLY is none. And I'm NOT even being illogical in saying this. I'm not some stupid dumbass teenager caught up in drama and kills themselves without thinking it through. I have a serious and terminal problem. I am being forced to kill myself. Yeah it's grim and morbid but it's the truth. There's NOTHING that could help me. Unless miracles exist.

It is a known fact that I'm not exactly the most predictable person. That being said, though, don't worry because there's one thing you can ALWAYS count on me for being, and that's consistently inconsistent. :p

Mind, body, and soul is disturbed

Free Agent

I don't follow, neither do I lead. Advice I do heed, and now and then I do a good deed But I don't follow and I don't lead. Neuroticism is in my genes, and of all crackpot ideas I am the seed, but I don't follow and I don't lead, everyday is a dream.

What the fuck are you doing, Lisa?



I'm pIaying the viIIain,
Iike you want.



I give you everything you want.
No, you don't.



You wanted your fiIe?
I got it!



You wanted out, I got you out!
You needed money, I found you some!



I toId you the truth!
I didn't write it in a book!



I toId you to your face!



I toId Daisy what everybody knew and
wouIdn't say, and she kiIIed herseIf.



I pIayed the fucking viIIain.



Just Iike you wanted.



Why wouId I want that?



Because it makes you
the good guy, sweet pea.



You come back here, aII sweetness
and Iight and sad and contrite...



...and everybody wrings their hands,
congratuIating you on your bravery.



MeanwhiIe, I'm bIowing guys at the
bus station for money!



Stop it, Lisa. She's too...



Shut up, PoIIy!



Where are you going?



I'm taIking to you!



Where are you going?
I'm taIking to you!



You don't Iike me anymore?



No, I don't!



Because you're free?



You think you're free?



I'm free!



You don't know what freedom is!



I'm free!



I can breathe! And you...



...you'II go choke on your
average fucking mediocre Iife!



There are too many buttons
in the worId.



Too many buttons,
and they're just...



There's way too many,
begging to be pressed.



They're just begging to be pressed!



You know, they're just
begging to be pressed.



And it makes me wonder.



It makes me fucking wonder.
Why doesn't anybody ever press mine?



Why am I so negIected?



Why doesn't anybody reach in
and rip out the truth...



...and teII me
that I'm a fucking whore...



...and that my parents
wish I were dead?



Because you're dead aIready, Lisa!



No one cares if you die, Lisa...



...because you're dead aIready.



Your heart is coId!



That's why you keep
coming back here.



You're not free.



You need this pIace.
You need it to feeI aIive.



It's pathetic.

Yeah, I'm the villain. That's the role I play. Because I was the dominant one. So I became the villain. But she didn't see, she didn't know I was soft and I was sensitive and I was meek and I was warm and kind. She didn't know I was sentimental. But I was. She didn't know a lot of sides of me. But is it my fault she didn't see? I guess. But I believe that if she was the dominant one she would have become the villain, and I believe she wanted to be that a lot. So why blame someone for being something you want to be yourself? Was she jealous? Because there's a difference between hating someone because your jealous and hating them because they actually did something to you. I think it's a mixture of both, envy and taking offense to the things I did. I was harsh, I was brutally honest, I was severe. I was wrong. And I feel bad. Sometimes I'd just get too carried away. But I was a whole hell of a lot more than a stubborn hothead......Too bad that's all I showed her.

All the same. I'm sorry. As sorry as I could ever be.